Upon encountering that, I'm beginning to think about MY life. And I've discovered how pathetic it seems.
My sister blogged about how she has troubles of making friends at UMS KAL. So I thought about MY circle of friends. Recently, I told Boyfie about I realized that most people don't open up to me. Not that I'm forcing them to, it's just that, IDK, I think that I've tried hard enough to make good friends that I can count on, be it for my academic sake or my personal life sake.
I just don't seem to be able to attract people to actually trust me enough to be in their lives. Sure, we seem close, 'mesra', inseparable even. But most of the times I feel that they are there, because they are forced to. Or because of something else I couldn't put into words, but I know it's not because they want to be there, voluntarily. Trust me, I felt that too many times already. And I am deeply hurt.
I still remember the early days on Taaruf Week where I know NO ONE except my 2 roommates. I talked to other people, I said 'Hi', I even smiled. Sometimes they replied, but most of the times, they ignored. I thought that maybe I was being a little too friendly. Or maybe it was still too early to actually know people so I gave them some time, a break. I waited until I stepped my foot on Nilai and breathed its dry air. I bonded with my dorm mates after a couple of weeks. But I couldn't seem to be myself around my classmates, it felt awkward. It always did. I cried a lot for the first few months. Many people think that I was too weak and fragile. They said to give it some time. To let it grow naturally. So I did. But the only changes I see was that, I felt that I'm not good enough to be any of their friends. I felt left out. Though I seemed noisy and very, very loud in class, you know why was I like that?
You know why am I still like that this semester?
Because I think that's the only way to get people to notice me, to remember me. So I'm recognized as the noisiest, the silliest student, a very annoying one even. So what? I don't care, I couldn't. Because that's the reason you remember me. I found still find it hard to leave a clean, with good image, footprint into people's lives. I guess I still couldn't find myself. Anywhere. I'm pathetic, I know. I know that I always think badly of myself, but that's the truth.
You say to think positive and look at the bright side. What bright side? Where? Despite the fact that I will always have my family and my boyfriend by my side, I still feel the need, the urge to spread my wings and grow more. I need to open up more. I need to grow. I need to get out there and I need to show everyone what I'm capable of. But after every single thing I've done for the past 6-7 years of my social life, I keep of failing undeniably miserably. I want to do my own things, I want people to hear me, to actually LISTEN to me. I'm tired of witnessing other people's happiness when they themselves DON'T GIVE A DAMN on what happens in my life. I'm tired of faking smiles and laughters every time I breath. I'm tired of trying, I'm tired on pouring my tears and wipe them away myself, I'm tired of being patient, I'm so tired of holding back my dreams and just wait for them to happen. I'm exhausted. I need attention, real ones not the fake ones I always receive. I'm sick of loving or just plain liking/adoring/admiring people without getting any in return.
Maybe I'm committing fallacies in my argument/complains but really, that's the least thing I care about right now. Where are you when I need you, dear friends?
I'm going to Gombak in July, insyaAllah. With greater responsibilities, alone, without anyone I can trust on. Guess I need to learn to survive by myself huh? To stop relying on other people.
Guess it's time to grow up.
Good luck to me.
. xoxo
p/s: I'm just writing down how I feel. You don't need to force yourself to care. Thanks for the effort though.
